Dark Times
One of the local community theaters is already working hard on a production of It’s a Wonderful Life, a classic heart warmer for the Christmas season. Somehow the Jimmy Stewart film manages to take a story of suicidal despair and turn it into a life-affirming encouragement. Despite its theological mis-presentation of angels, watching the movie during the holidays has become one of our family traditions. Years ago, I too went through dark times when I pleaded with God to just erase my life as if it had never been. Now I also rejoice in a full wonderful life which has led through mountains as well as valleys and enriched us with beloved family and friends and times of encouragement and blessing.
Sadly, suicide continues to be one of the leading causes of death worldwide. A dear friend in her 20’s gave me permission to include the following that she ventured to share recently:
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I wrote and posted this several days ago and immediately deleted it feeling uncertain if it was 'Facebook appropriate'. But after some encouragement, here it is: I read yet another article today about a person who attempted suicide. It sparked something in me once again... I have dealt with depression off and on for 14 years now and have definitely been discovering what helps me through it and what pushes me to go to the darkest places in my mind. As a culture, I have discovered that we don't like to be real with each other. I can't count how often an event begins with someone yelling out, 'How's everybody doing? AWESOME!?!?!' and it's followed by a loud 'YEAH!' My thought is always 'Really? You ALL are doing awesome?' Overall, I get it... but it is a great example of the kind of response our culture expects of us.
Has anyone watched This Is Me where Kate goes to her birthday party after just being told she is not a candidate for IVF and most likely will never get pregnant? She is at a party surrounded by people who are supposedly her FRIENDS and when she completely pours her heart out, there is an awkward silence and a quick change in topic. This brought me instantly to tears. I cried partially from relating to the heartbreak involved with infertility, but also because I relate to the pain in general and the feeling of my pain not being acceptable or received by those I hoped could help me carry these burdens in life. I know it was a show, but from experience, it is not far from reality.
I long for us as a people to learn how to be there for others in time of heartbreak and crisis. It may be really uncomfortable for you to reach out to a friend at that moment, but I promise you that his or her discomfort tremendously outweighs your discomfort. To even reach out your hand to them, get eye contact and simply say, 'I am so sorry you are going through this, how can I be here for you?' can be all the difference someone needs. There was one season in my life some years ago (before marriage and our son) where I had gotten to the point of seriously considering suicide. I came up with how I was going to do it and began writing letters. Honestly, I did not want to end my life. It scared me, but living in daily physical pain, loneliness and the daily battle of life was even more overbearing. I decided to talk to one person about it and see if I told them flat out 'I am considering suicide' that they may be able to help get me professional help or walk through it with me.
When I did I was told something to the extent of 'Come on Amanda, don't be ridiculous. You know you're not going to do that, it just seems like you're trying to get attention'. That pretty much solidified it for me. I set a day and time to do it. In the day leading up to it, I pleaded with God to heal my body instead or bring someone into my life to help me. I wanted Him to remove the hard things I was going through. He began to speak to me about my future and the things He had for me. It had nothing to do with healing me or removing burdens, but rather about how going through what I have gone through will cause me to be able to help people in the future, to know how to be a friend to the friendless. He spoke some other things to me but the point is, He brought me the hope I needed when no one else took me seriously.
So in that, I also want to plead with you. If anyone in your life ever says that they are considering suicide, take them seriously. The possibility that they are just trying to get attention should be the least of your worries, and even if that IS the case... they still need some professional help as well as support from family and friends, because even so, they are clearly dealing with something that they don't know how to come through on their own. I really long for there to be more teaching at churches and overall in our community about how to live authentic lives. How to receive imperfection from people and how to truly support those around us. We don't always have to be 'awesome'. But when it's not awesome, we need to be able to lean on those around us, to be reminded of the HOPE we have in life.
I am in a pretty good place in my life now so I hope it's clear that I am not writing this for a pity party or for any kind of consolation. I am ok. I really hope you read this and that it sparks something in you to be a truly authentic and real friend to those around you, to listen, to support, to carry burdens and share your own loads. We are created for community.
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Thanks, Amanda, for your wisdom and insight, and vulnerability in sharing.